Are You Enough?
Many of us struggle with feeling like we are not good enough.
It can be a difficult topic to discuss because feeling like you are not good enough can often also make you feel ashamed. When something makes you feel shame, it’s often the case you don’t want to discuss it with others. This leads to you burying that feeling deep down and not addressing the root of the problem.
But you are enough. Just as you are, you are enough👏 . These words can be difficult to hear when you’re struggling with your self-worth and you may even doubt them, maybe you’ve never even been told this before. But you are enough and it’s time for you to realise this. 🤗
👉 What does not feeling good enough look like? 🔷 Measuring your self-worth by what you manage to tick off your to-do list. 🔷 Feeling you’ll be a ‘better’ person when you achieve the next goal (e.g., academic success, getting a promotion at work, upgrading your car) and not liking who you are in the present. 🔷 Feeling anxious and rushed to achieve the next thing. 🔷 Feeling powerless. 🔷 Struggling to ask others for help. 🔷 Taking on too much for you to manage. 🔷 Making decisions based on what you think will impress other people. 🔷 Feeling depressed you’re not achieving the same as other people. 🔷 Only feeling good about yourself when other people praise you and not praising yourself.
👉 What can be causing you to feel like you’re not good enough? Identifying the causes of why you are not feeling good enough is beyond the scope of this article. There are too many reasons and of course, they are individual and personal to you. But, some common reasons are discussed below.
👆 Capitalism We live in a capitalist society. Because of this, a lot of industries profit from our insecurities and cause us to always want the next best product. This results in the advertisements and media outlets we are exposed to daily making us question if we are good enough. It’s important to remember you are good enough without having to buy the next makeup product that promises to make you beautiful or the newest protein mixture that promises to make you bigger and stronger. But, it can be difficult to feel worthy when you're exposed to companies that profit from you not feeling worthy daily. Once you’re aware of this, you can begin to notice the reasoning behind your purchases and make purchases that align with your values and help improve your feelings of self-worth not encourage you to not feel good enough. For example, if you buy lipstick because you feel ugly without it and your colleagues wear it, this is the wrong reason. But if you buy lipstick because you enjoy wearing it and like it, this is the right reason.
👆 Imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome was first recognised in the seventies by two psychologists. When someone is experiencing imposter syndrome, they cannot feel an internal sense of success despite having clear evidence for their success (e.g., academic achievements or professional recognition). Instead, the individual feels they are an imposter and have convinced other people they are better than they are. When the individual is praised, they negate any external evidence (e.g., a degree) that contradicts their perception of reality which is they are an imposter, a fraud, or they’ve only got to this position through luck, chance or mistake. This can cause people to feel anxiety that they will be discovered as frauds. This results in the individual never feeling good enough but simultaneously seeking to achieve more in the attempt to feel good enough.
Imposter syndrome is thought to be caused by either being labelled as the ‘lesser’ child in the family (e.g., not as smart as the other sibling). This causes the individual to strive to prove this wrong. However, despite what they achieve, their label remains. This can cause the child to become an adult with imposter syndrome because they felt nothing they did as a child was ever good enough, so they must not be good enough. The other cause of imposter syndrome is a child being constantly told how perfect they are at everything. Then when the child begins to experience difficulty with certain tasks, they still want to keep up with their family's expectations. This causes them to experience high levels of self-doubt and can result in them experiencing imposter syndrome because of the difference between what they are expected to achieve and what they can achieve.
Imposter syndrome has a high prevalence in successful women, but men can also experience it. If you feel like you are not good enough to be in the work position you are, or you are not smart enough despite you having academic success or you are not a good enough parent despite your children being happy and healthy. You could be experiencing imposter syndrome.
👆 Social Comparison theory This theory was developed by a psychologist in 1954 (Leon Festinger). The theory states that people have the need to evaluate themselves (their abilities for example) and they can do this by comparing themselves to other people, usually their peers or colleagues. There are two types of social comparison:
Upward comparison – This is when you compare yourself to someone you perceive to be ’better’ than you. These people can be your inspiration for you to take steps to achieve similar things to them.
Downward comparison – This is when you compare yourself to someone you perceive yourself to be ‘better’ than. This makes you feel better about yourself.
These comparisons are influential in how you feel about yourself and can impact you more than you think. The problem with upward comparison is it can easily lead to you not feeling inspired or motivated but instead feeling negative emotions centered around you feeling like you’re not good enough. It’s important to remember this, the next time you're scrolling through social media and comparing yourself.
👆 Perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be caused for example by a child needing to be perfect to gain acceptance from their parents, a child with highly critical parents, etc,. Some levels of perfectionism are a good thing, they can help you achieve your goals. But being too much of a perfectionist can lead you never feeling good enough because you are always striving to be perfect and never happy with the result
There are different types of perfectionism, these include: Self-orientated perfectionism – this involves setting excessive personal standards and rigorously evaluating your behaviour Socially prescribed perfectionism – this is when someone believes that other people expect them to be perfect and they are harsh critics Orientated perfectionism – expecting other people to be perfect. (Hewitt and Flett 1991)
If you are a perfectionist, acknowledging this and taking steps to help you realise you are good enough is not only good for your feelings of self-worth but your mental health. Perfectionism has been associated with depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anger, and problems with body image (Antony and Swinson 2009).
👉 Self-worth example John really struggled with feeling like he is never good enough. He was a perfectionist and always strived to do everything perfectly. No matter how perfect he finished something, it was never good enough in his eyes. He didn’t enjoy the activities he was doing because he always had in the back of his mind that his ability was not good enough. This resulted in John often avoiding tasks altogether because he got overwhelmed by the idea of what achieving perfection would involve. John only felt good when someone else complimented him and he received external validation, for example when his work colleague informed him they were impressed by his pitch. This was short-lived though as john experienced imposter syndrome and would tell himself statements like his pitch wasn’t really good, he was just having a lucky day, and he doesn’t deserve to be in the position he is. All of this caused John to experience a lot of stress and anxiety.
Mary also struggled with feeling like she is never good enough. However, mary made a conscious effort to live in the present moment and find joy in her activities. She would remind herself she is doing her best and her best may be different depending on the day but that’s ok. She would tell herself I am enough and when she found herself doubting this she would tell herself this again. Mary also struggled with basing her self-worth on external validation. However, Mary made the decision she wanted to live her true, authentic self and didn’t want to live for other people. This led to Mary taking small steps like wearing her favourite yellow dress despite other people telling her yellow wasn’t her colour. Eventually, Mary began to stop evaluating, judging and correcting her behaviour to try and meet the unrealistic demands she placed on herself in the attempt of receiving external validation. This led to mary feeling a lot more positive about herself.
👉 Self-Worth Exercise Do you base your self-worth on external validation or internal validation? External validation is when your feelings of self-worth are based on outside sources. For example, your boss praising you or a friend complimenting you. Relying solely on external validation to feel good about yourself is not healthy. Whereas internal validation is where your feelings of self-worth are based on your perception of yourself. It allows you to be who you are without criticism or judgement.
✍️ Think of examples that have made you feel like you have good self-worth? Are they mostly based on episodes of external or internal validation? ✍️ Consider what examples of external validation made you feel good about yourself and write these down. Now, think about do you believe this about yourself? If you don’t believe this about yourself then take some time to consider why this is. This can be tricky so just take your time. ✍️ Also think about the examples of internal validation. Write these down and try and revisit them over the following week to reinforce your internal validation.
🤗 If you are struggling with low levels of self-worth, you are not alone and Happio can help you on your journey. 🤗