Don’t Wrestle with Pigs: Psychological Strategies for Managing Manipulative Group Dynamics

*By Louise Buckingham *

There is a well-known saying: “Never wrestle with a pig—you both get dirty, but the pig enjoys it.”

This metaphor is particularly apt when applied to individuals who thrive on conflict, control, and emotional chaos. When they are unable to provoke a reaction from you in private, they often escalate their behaviour in public. Their objective is not connection, but domination of the emotional environment. In these situations, your most excellent tool is not confrontation, but restraint.

Understanding Escalation and Group Manipulation

When direct manipulation fails, some individuals attempt to recruit others into the dynamic. What was once a private tension becomes a public performance. Three psychological mechanisms often drive this escalation:

• Triangulation: Introducing a third party into the conflict to destabilise the target and isolate them.
• Impression management: Portraying themselves as calm, rational, or even victimised, while framing you as volatile or unstable.
• Narrative control: Ensuring that the version of events most widely accepted is the one that casts them in a favourable light.

The result is that others often witness only your reaction, not the manipulation that led to it. This can be profoundly disorienting and distressing.

When You React, and It Is Used Against You

A common consequence of emotional manipulation is what is known as reactive abuse. This occurs when a person is systematically provoked, undermined, or gaslit to the point of emotional overwhelm, then labelled as the abuser based on their reactive behaviour.

This dynamic often unfolds subtly over time. By the time a reaction occurs, it is not a random outburst, but the culmination of cumulative stress. However, to the untrained eye, only the reaction is visible. The provocation remains hidden.

It is essential to understand that experiencing reactive abuse does not make you unstable or aggressive. It indicates that your psychological defences were pushed beyond their limits. Recognising this helps you detach from self-blame and begin the process of repair.

You Did React: What Now?

If you responded emotionally and now find yourself back in the group, feeling exposed or ashamed, take a moment to reflect on your feelings. Emotional reactions under pressure are normal. Sometimes, a sharp response is the psyche’s way of setting a boundary when every other attempt has failed.

However, once the moment has passed, it is helpful to reclaim your emotional agency with a measured approach. You might choose to say:

“I didn’t like how I responded. I was overwhelmed and reacted in a way that doesn’t reflect how I want to show up. I’m taking steps to ground myself.”

This is not an apology for feeling. It is a reassertion of integrity. You are not responsible for managing others’ narratives, only for managing your responses.

Forgive yourself. Reactivity under pressure is not a flaw, it is a sign that your boundaries have been repeatedly tested. What matters now is how you return to yourself.

The Psychological Power of Ambivalence

One of the most effective tools against manipulation is emotional neutrality. This does not mean detachment from your own experience, but rather the intentional withdrawal of emotional investment from the manipulative dynamic.

Ambivalence, in this context, is a position of strength. It says: “You no longer have access to my emotional energy, positive or negative.”

Clinically, this is known as grey rocking—presenting as dull, unreactive, and emotionally unavailable to deprive the manipulator of the stimulation they seek.

For individuals who rely on emotional chaos to feel in control, nothing is more destabilising than your lack of interest. They do not know how to perform without an audience.

Regulating Yourself in the Moment: The STOP Technique

To avoid escalation and support self-regulation, the STOP technique—drawn from dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT)—can be invaluable.

S – Stop: Pause before acting or speaking. Create space.

T – Take a breath: Use the breath to slow your physiological arousal.

O – Observe: Notice what is happening internally and externally. What emotions are present? What thoughts are arising?

P – Proceed mindfully: Make a conscious choice about how to respond in alignment with your values, not your triggers.

This technique restores control to the moment and protects your long-term self-concept.

Rebuilding After the Fallout

Once the emotional storm has passed, it is natural to feel confused, vulnerable, or even isolated. This is especially true if others have been pulled into the manipulator’s narrative.

Begin by returning to your internal anchor:

• Journal what happened, from your point of view.

• Reflect on which of your values were compromised in the conflict.

• Identify who in your circle understands your character and can provide stable support.

• Remind yourself that peace is not found in controlling the narrative, but in letting go of the need to be understood by everyone.

Healing is not about proving yourself. It is about staying aligned with who you are, especially when others attempt to distort that.

Final Thoughts

Some individuals will always find ways to provoke. When calm fails to give them control, they escalate their behaviour. When escalation doesn’t work, they may recruit others. And if that still doesn’t provide them with the outcome they want, they may position themselves as the victim.

Your responsibility is not to manage their narrative. It is to remain grounded in your own. You are not required to stay calm to be valid. You are not required to be silent to be respected. And you are allowed to have emotions, even strong ones. Anger is not a flaw. It is a signal.

From a psychological standpoint, anger often arises when a core boundary is crossed or when you experience frustration, helplessness, or fear. It is a natural response to perceived injustice, emotional violation, or chronic invalidation. When processed constructively, anger can be clarifying, protective, and necessary.

Emotional regulation is not about avoiding anger; it is about recognising when anger is asking you to listen more closely to what you need. There is no shame in having a moment of reaction under pressure. What matters more is how you move forward. Whether you choose to speak, to step back, or to walk away entirely, you are allowed to do so with dignity and emotional integrity.

Let go of the need to explain yourself to people who do not see you.

Let go of the idea that being “the bigger person” means being emotionally silent. And most importantly, let go of the belief that you have to stay in the mud to prove you didn’t belong there. Feel what you feel. Honour it. Then rise.

**And let them roll in the mud alone. **